The Lost Christmas Specials

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You know the holiday classics like Santa Claus is Coming to Town and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but here are some holiday specials that you may have never heard of, and for good reason. Think of these as The Island of Misfit Toys of Christmas specials, but like Santa Claus, we’re delivering them to you anyway.

A Very Excellent Bill & Ted Christmas

In the town of San Dimas, California, two brainless teenagers wake up on Christmas morning and find out that they were on the most heinous naughty list. Bill and Ted travel back to Christmas Eve to have a chat with Santa Claus, and the three together have to go back to Bethlehem to save the first Christmas!

Dean Martin’s Celebrity Christmas

Join Dino, Frank, and the gang as they drunkenly badger Sammy Davis, Jr. for an hour and a half about the true meaning of Hanukkah. Jerry Lewis ad libs lyrics for the entire Nutrcacker Suite and Phyllis Diller cracks wise about how, as an ugly child, she ended up on Santa’s naughty list for scaring the reindeer. Dino and Frank slur their way through most of “Marshmallow World” as the credits roll. Wilt Chamberlain appears as Mr. Fezziwig.

A 24 Christmas

An entire season taking place on Christmas Eve, hour by hour. Jack Bauer forgets it’s Christmas Eve and only has 24 hours to find the perfect gift for his daughter. Unfortunately a group of terrorists have other ideas. In the process, Bauer gets kidnapped three times, taken out of the country once, and half of Los Angeles blows up, yet he still has time to find the perfect gift and make it home in time for the Christmas ham. Featuring a special guest appearance and musical performance by Jon Bon Jovi as the head terrorist.

Christmas in Washington ’71

Join President Richard Nixon for a glowering reading of his enemies list set to of Strauss’s “Thus Spoke Zarathustra”. Later, Secretary of State Henry Kissinger recites “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” and Chief Justice of the Supreme Court Warren Burger and U.S. Ambassador to Russia Jacob Beam share favorite cookie recipes. Vice President Ford drinks his weight in egg nog.

R. Kelly’s Trapped in the Chimney

I SAID HO, SHE SAID WHAT, I SAID HO, SHE SAID WHAT, I SAID HO, HO, HO, MERRRRRRRYYYY CHRISTMASSSS!

R. Kelly rings in the holiday season with a new 75-chapter epic about getting trapped in the chimney while spying on his wife who he catches kissing Santa Claus.  Also there’s a midget hiding in an oven for some reason. Guest starring R2D2 as himself.

The Transformers Christmas Special

Megatron gets a lesson in kindness after the Decepticons attempt to harness the power of Christmas spirit to create an interstellar bridge to Cybertron. Meanwhile, Bumblebee and Spike are pulled from a snow drift by a team of happy elves. Starscream and Ironhide perform “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” Scatman Crothers guest stars as the voice of Blitzen.

Geraldo Rivera Presents: Santa’s Vault

In this forgotten 1986 special report, Geraldo Rivera hopes to unveil the secret of Santa’s magic by opening his vault. Instead he finds a half-eaten cookie and a Teddy Ruxpin that Santa forgot to deliver. Also starring R2D2 as himself.

Breaking Bad’s Christmas Cooking Special

Walter White shares his meth baking secrets in this holiday classic. Learn how to make it through the holiday season without losing your mind (but possibly some teeth). Joined by friends Rachel Ray and Guy Fieri, you’re guaranteed not to have a blue Christmas when you try some of Walter’s famous blue meth! Winnebago not included.

Mecha Santa vs. the Giant Snowman: A Very SyFy Christmas Special

After a mad scientist creates an evil snowman hell bent on destroying Christmas, Jesus and the U.S. Government team up to create Mecha Santa and save the holiday season.

The Star Wars Holiday Special

Oh no wait…this one actually happened.

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Written by Andrew Cass, Chris Coleman, Rick Skarbez, and Rebecca Eisenberg
Graphics by Rebecca Eisenberg, Jen Reinheimer, and Chris Coleman

Christmas in Israel

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Christmas in Israel

Just because the usual signs of Christmas — tinsel, lights, window displays featuring Santa Claus and elves, etc — aren’t visible across the country, that doesn’t mean Christmas goes unobserved.

Continue reading “Christmas in Israel”

How “Jingle Bells” by barking dogs changed music

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If you’re like most people, you’ve probably got some hard limits when it comes to Christmas music. You might take in a little Bing or maybe you can listen to one or two of the 20 new versions of “All I Want for Christmas is You” that seem to pop up every year. Maybe “The Nutcracker Suite” is more your style. But when it comes to barking dogs singing “Jingle Bells“, that’s usually over the line. Way over the line.

So it’s probably hard to believe that the barking dogs were actually once considered to be the pinnacle of recorded music. The Atlantic has a story on how recording technology seized by American soldiers from Nazi Germany went on to form the basis for one of our most-loathed Christmas songs. While this song doesn’t get much respect today, the technology and techniques used to create it were the most advanced for their time, meaning most people in the early 1950s had never heard anything quite like it.

Download This: Hey, It’s Christmas! by Various Artists

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Hey, It's Christmas! Vol. 2When several relatively unknown artists join forces to create a Christmas compilation, you get Hey, It’s Christmas! Vol. 2.

This compendium of original songs and new takes on old classics is wonderful in and of itself, but it’s also nice for a change when you’re growing tired of Bing or The Rat Pack. Curated by graphic designer and music producer Greg Perkins, the compilation is available for free download at heyitschristmas.com. (Also be sure to grab Vol. 1 while you’re there, and learn more about the artists participating.)

So this happened in 1985

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Part of me wants to believe that if Corey Hart released a few more hits, this version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer might have become a treasured holiday classic.

Another part of me knows better than to mess around with the guy in shades.

Oh no!

Jingle Bells: The first song in space

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Found at Boing Boing, the historic recording of astronauts Wally Schirra and Thomas Stafford’s playing of Jingle Bells. Recorded aboard the Gemini 6 spacecraft, the duo smuggled instruments into to space and surprised mission control with a report of a satellite, which contacted them with this song.

Read more about Jingle Bells in our feature article about the song.